dear tania afaniarty afalon grab a box of tissues and if you need call me also
Dear Tania Afaniarty Afalon,
Grab a box of tissues and If you need call me also ENJOY.
Hello wifey, now you might be wondering whats all this about ? Well let me tell you ;) At first I was gonna text you but then that makes me a hypocrite and then I decided I wanted to write you a letter in my note book but then that too would be hand hurting and also time consuming as I do not know how to write but to be fair this is also fairly exhausting and yes I'm using big words madame anyway, that beings us to know I wanted to be extra and to find a middle ground between the previous option I just decided the best option would be to write you a whole gluteus maximus of a letter so here we are. I'll tr y to keep it as short as I possibly can but I do not know if I shall be able to contain my thoughts. To start I apologise for everything as always I hate fighting with you and I do not know how much you know it means to me but one of my goals in life is to make sure that smile never leaves your face for good so I have tasked myself with the insurmountable task and also your dramatic ass but that is a love story for another time. I will not talk to much about you as with time I have learnt I cannot control how you think or feel as I have no control over that as much as that would make it easy in an ideal world where you knew what I was thinking and I likewise knew your thoughts. But that world does not exist unfortunately. So Instead I will try to allow you to have a deep little peak into my thoughts as that's the most I will ever be able to do for you. I love you so much I hope you know that. To understand the estranged mind of your boyfriend which you do not seem to fully comprehend we have to go back in time to the start of a life time. This is actually quite soothing side note I am not gonna lie I am getting a bit emotional this started as a joke but I decided I am gonna take this seriously so It might be a while but I am sorry to keep you waiting. Back to it we go. I was born into the arms of two loving parents who devoted their lives to me for a lack of a better word. From what I remembered until the age of six I was surrounded by constant love and attention by those around me as the son, nephew and grandchild of those who cared the most, my family. As the first son of the youngest of both family no stone was left unturned for me nothing I could not ask and I understand now that I am older but back then I only thought that was normal. I also thought it was normal the minimal wealth we head cause I never knew any better from our homes in the alleyways of broken towns with bustling traffic and people trying to survive everyday life Bangladesh is nothing like the life we all get to live here sometimes it is important for me to understand all the sacrifices that have led to me to this position where I can argue, laugh and love with you and worry about everyday problems cause back there its either born with money or survive. Although we are in a different age now and things are better things there will never be as good as here. I consider myself extremely lucky cause at 18 months old was my first trip to Australia a start of countless journeys back and forth. Thinking back comparatively my family was well off in as sense but my dad was moving better here and there to spend time with me and provide for us it must have been lonely for him to leave everything and live life alone knowing people were waiting for him I sometimes wonder what happened to that dad but again that is a story for another time that dad that would die for his family is still in there somewhere I see glimpses here and there so I continue to hope cause really there is not much else I can do. Fast forward a couple years I had little baby brother which I was so very excited about, my grandma died and still to this day the last memory I have with her is me getting anger at her for one of the very first times cause she was giving my cousin more attention when all her attention was supposed to be on me how very me. But I'll never know the effect that had on me till the day I die cause although nowadays I can barely remember what she looks like In my heart the things she instilled in me I'll never forget and as I grow older remind me to commemorate my grandmas, and grandpas more as they loved me with their hearts to the fullest something I'll never be able to repay. Excluding a few things I started to come to an age where my consciousness grew larger than my little head having had experience in both worlds Australia and Bangladesh also surrounded by the well educated family around me I found myself at a unique position where it was hard for me to really connect with someone truly cause I never found anyone else like me. The world around me everyday was no longer everything I knew at the same time the other world was also out of reach so from a young age I realise now as cliche as it may be also side note have you realised that saying in itself is a cliche but anyway as cliche as it may be I felt different no matter where I went. My parents whether abroad or back home in their hearts their home was and always will be Bangladesh, my friends my cousins they're world like wise was either abroad or here but I was the only one stuck in the middle of two cultures. An experience which I am grateful for but nonetheless undeniably makes me lonelier that I can ever show. As easy as it is to sympathise for someone to truly feel someones pain you need to have felt that pain in your own reality hence empathy is created. Feeling for someone is easy done but really feeling for someones reality is hard to do if you never lived it but guess who has I have my parents have and my family slowly but surely have. But mainly point this thought of being between two worlds as well as the values that made me realise the difference between both, instilled in me by my grandmother, my parents and my whole wider family I've always felt these values are what make me truly me not my adorable charms, cute butt, gorgeous girlfriend okay well the last part is pretty me too. But lets continue I did not really have a plan for these so this is a whole free style of the top of my brain so you are probably waiting right now but I am sorry I am trying my best to get these little hands to type fast. My point is I had these thoughts from early as maybe 8 or 9 some weird thoughts to have for a child that age so I would not call myself your average Joe. Anyway fast forward a few years after moving back and forth a couple of months at a time my mum got a PHD scholarship something offered to as little as 10 people a year at that time from my country and guess what she did in typical my mum fashion she refused. Now why you may ask because they it was fully all expense paid for my mum with just her visa but it means she would have to leave her babies and also my dad do not know if that part really mattered but I do think in some capacity they do love each other. Anyway long story short despite everyone telling her this is a once in an a lifetime opportunity she would not. So how am I here may you ask well Allah works in mysterious ways. She hassled the government to give her visas for the rest of us otherwise she aint going and for what ever reason long story short they complied not everyday a citizen harasses the government usually the other way around. But still in typical mum fashion she did not wanna leave her home her family her brothers her dad her job my dad likewise his family his very good job also I skipped this part before this would not be his first time because couple years before this he could not take the strain from being away from me so badly that he quite his very good fucking government urban planning job like literally he was the people that built suburbs and what not 200,000 k + aint no joke you know, anwyay he left it all and came to Bangladesh to be with us where he was a professor teaching university students and my mum was the head of a medical research department with over a 100 people under her I always here stories that all these people used to be scared of her but respected her cause at the end of the day she would treat them like her children. So despite all this if you think Im difficult you have not met my mum well you have but you know what I mean. But In the end my dad convinced her that its her dream she should pursue it and he will drop everything and follow her and getting us citizenships would mean a better life for their kids so in the summer of 2012 not just saying that because its cool but really summer of 2021 I remember cause it was hot when we landed we packed up everything and moved here we moved to a friends couple who my parents were close with their house in Liverpool we crashed there for 6 months before moving to our house in Kogarah cause we got into school there and mum had her friend with the autistic daughter there close to us. Also I skipped over this before if there was any indication I was thinking too much for my own little head I tried to kill myself by swallowing a bunch of pills when I was like how old so if you think about it you are pretty lucky cause a lot of things had to go right for you to meet me.You would have noticed this by now but as I was saying before there is no structure to this so sorry for the random interruptions. But to be fair I am writing you a whole god damn book good luck reading this. Anyway gonna try to speed things up here cause I have not even gotten to the best part yet which is us and I also miss you and wanna call you as soon as I possibly can. And c'mon bruh I do not know who phoneix is. Okay continuing, we moved here and I started primary in year 5 even though technically I should have been year 6 but my mum was worried it would be too hard for me well in reality everything was too easy for me hence I never found interest in school. But I did find interest in drawing, painting and sports as a pretty otherwise okay well before permanently moving here I was very very loud if you ask my mum but after my brother was born and moving here I became a little turtle in his shell actually I like that for future references in this book I will be referring to myself as the little turtle for cuteness purposes. Anyway to realise all this restless energy in my brain as an otherwise quite kid I never stopped moving unless I was reading since we could not afford to buy a tv for like a year and a half and I never had a phone so hence I needed to engage myself with all those activities I at one point even started writing a novel never finished it though but I did start maybe one day. But the first year flew by and by the time I had moved to year 6 things started to turn sour in this little turtles world. My dad started becoming increasingly frustrated unable to find a job for a person who left everything behind although I blamed him at the time I now understand It could not have been easy still I don't forgive him but I do understand a little of his pain now It was not the job he was losing he was losing himself his purpose his everyday life was falling apart. Things started to turn dark quick my dad fell into deep depression a bottomless pit where i never thought he would come out of, my mum as well as doing her phd started doing odd jobs so the family could survive cause in the end the scholarship cost was for herself only and with my dad not working all our misfortunes started multiplying. I slowly started to become a recluse at home not talking to anyway barely associating stuck in my room playing games that was safe haven I stopped drawing stopped reading and stopped sleeping started masturbating ? and when I was not at home so most days after school I would try to go as far as possible for as long as I possibly could, But yea fun time and then there was school I slowly started to realise for a long time I was just pretending to be someone I am not to fit in with a group or groups of people I did not even like and every time I would think I finally found someone I can start calling my best friend I would find a way find a reason they did something wrong well most cases they did but that is just human nature as A 14 year old I was the idiot to expect anymore but although If you looked at me I was surrounded by people in reality I was just alone. Two people that despite this fact stuck by me for whatever reason Tyrone and mason a pair off odd balls I learned as per usual at an early age the smaller the better but even though as time went the differences in my head become more and more apparent in reality cause although things they did were the causes of us parting ways in reality it was me who pushed them away or cut them off cause I thought for some reason my thoughts or reasoning was more correct than theirs we were kids its naive of me to say that I was any different they were just doing what they thought was right and In a sense I was just doing the same thing so what really makes me that much better but the point still stands I was always steps ahead I would nothing things before it happened, saw people changing before they saw themselves changing this brain of mine was too clever for its own good. And if I am being complete even till this point in my life speaking of literally right now I have always dimmed my light to meet the shade of everyone around me cause I knew if I shone or you know did what I truly wanted to they would not stick around anyway. I have always in my own way tried to do the best I can for those around me my "people" but in reality where are my people now there's really no one left but you. Do I regret it if you may ask ? now we are really getting deep and as much as I would like to be the good guy I do not know but I do wish everyone I have ever crossed paths with a good life and yea even Tia and ante they deserves better they only used to take it out on everyone else cause it would make them not worry about what ever else was going on so I hope they are doing well. But yeah and like clockwork every time I think I have finally found someone that truly has my back truly and i start to show them the deeper layers of me the darkerer, over achieving, over achieving, odd, adhd, picky, witty, annoying, attention seeking self surely but surely as much people convince themselves they can deal with it they slowly fall away perfect example being well this last few words are even concrete evidence of this fact but the person leaving that hurt the most and I probably have ignored to hide the pain but In the end I was too much even for Tyrone. I lost him once and like a broken clock I'll or have lost him already. As much as I can blame him at the end of the day I pushed him to much to be something even though he might have convinced himself and maybe even convinced me too be honest he was not, well not right now anyway despite everything everyone says I'll always believe Tyrone will find his purpose one day and achieve more than everyone could ever expect even himself thatch the only gamble I will ever take besides the gamble that is my life. But nonetheless the point I make is that I saw it coming a long time before I admitted to myself you could even argue I was lying to myself as always I can see the people notice the difference in me and them slowly but surely something thats normally apparent to me from the start. Moving back a little but sorry once again I can apologise but there really is no structure to my mind as you can see this letter is proof. As a young turtle and one day I will repay him but all my pain I projected on to my little brother I would abuse him and I wanna say just physically cause that would be better but you know better than most it was also mentally bringing him down for the shit that I had to acknowledge cause he was too young to in the most depraved way he was my rock that stopped me from attempting something I had once before. As I grew older year 9-10-11 a lost contact with him to barely talking to him I mean how could I what would he understand and then I would go to school watching people argue and cry over stupid shit and trying to relate to them when I know in my head I would be thinking what the fuck are they crying for reality is much worse than this dumb shit at school but nonetheless no one can survive for that long alone not even me so I would try to mix in between my attention disorder and other worldly thoughts I was living my life as a shadow of myself going through everyday as if it did not matter if I died tomorrow cause who would really care besides my poor broken mother. The start of year 11 was al little turning point I realised things in my past did not have to hold me back I should start doing things I really wanted to do well start to anyway but I started to connect with my family again have some friends I decently liked although they weren't perfect I did not have to try so hard to match they're energy well at the beginning at least so I guess I'll always be grateful to brian and mitchell for that. But more than anything I wanted to get this whole high school over and done with start over start living live how I wanted to so fast forward a little bit new year graduated officially starting uni the world gets turned upside down. The little bit of Uni I was excited about once again cause like everyone else its the normal thing to do the Normal thing to be excited about for most people its the next step so I tried my best to get into a good uni and put on a fake smile of happiness which I did to see my parents smile to think everything was worth it but that smile was short lived. With the world turned upside down, uni online, sitting at home, the mundane no structure of everyday life, I once again felt like I was just living this shadow doing something cause everyone does it doing it to make someone else happy but rightfully so they deserved be happy but if its at the cost of my own happiness which they do not seem to understand I do not want to blame them for my future as much as i have blamed them for my past. Anyway I started to follow into this deep deep hole starting to feel like my dad that I despised so much I said thats enough so the new year rolled around and I started moving my ass little by little although realistically compared to now I was doing little to nothing before I guess you gotta crawl before you walk with apparently lot of fucking bumps in the way. But we're here now and who knows if I could get here without those bumps but for the first time since i remember developing a memory I have started to match the person on the inside with the person on the inside its a weird feeling like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly but I'm in the cocoon right now and one things I really hope is that I do not turn back into a caterpillar. Cause I do not know when I will be able to get back into this transformation cocoon. Right now I feel if I could try my best to describe it happier something that feels weird for me to say, I feel excited, I feel hopeful things I have not felt for a long time and frankly its scary cause as good as it is it can be taken away just as fast Im doing things that are more me, enjoying things that Ive always wanted enjoy, have some control over my life noticing my faults making conscious decisions and try to go from turtle caterpillar to a butterfly confused? me too. Anyway did i mention in between all this this big turtle managed to snag themselves a little cute ass boo thang turtleina is that a female version of a turtle well now it is. well now you know a bit more about me skipping a few pieces here and there but ill try to make this quick even though this was supposed to be the longest part but I am scared you are gonna fall asleep before you get to read this and I do not want you to wait any longer. But anyway lets start I have not been completely honest with you dun dun dun. Surprised well you should be well your probably not but act like it. thats an order. aye what did is say stop laughing act surprised. okay good. you passed the multi sentence test. Anyway falling in love with you has been a long but easy process despite everything no matter what i tell myself I would be lying if to the old me if I tell them what they do is working cause despite everything me telling myself and convincing myself and pushing things away I fall in love with you that little bit more everyday some days a little and another days a lot but nonetheless falling further and further I go. For me you represent a warm place a place where I can go to when I need to curl up and cry which I still cant do but I think the mental congestion is good enough for now but everyday I feel closer slowly letting some of those little emotions I have tucked away slowly out cause I cant experience the good once without experiencing the bad as is the way of the world. But anyway I can confidentially say for a long time I was scared and skeptical cause you accepted me for who I was and all the things that came with that honestly kind of strange so basically you have issues but thank you girl. Even though I act tough and pretend when you say even the little things like I think you're handsome I never forget them cause those are the things I cant tell myself cause i dont even believe it myself kinda like it takes a therapist to tell you your sister is crazy but when i tell you its like it goes through one ear out the other. Anyway it is getting late so im sorry i have to speed this part up but technically its your fault cause you have to sleep but then again its my fault because you dont sleep so if we do a graph its our fault. But long story short I haven't been honest because these thoughts have come up before and after you told me those things in the car the other day those thoughts came back up from where ever I pushed them away again so thats teh reason I've proabbyl been so distant cause Ive been trying to convince myself it is fine and to put it back in its box but seems like this time it isnt going down without a fight also after the third hour you tend to give up on spelling so sorry from here on out deal with it. Now you might be asking whats this big thing stuck ijn your mind well let me start with I love you and after this ask as many questiosn as you want and I will answer every single question throughly so it helps you understand if you dont ask questions Ill probably feel worse cause I can garuntee you even if you think oyu get me you dont and theres a lot you still dont get about me but I ask myself are you willing to know? Movcing on, a few months ago I caught myself startining to ownder strang things my past and my experieces were catching up to me and that broken clock I mentioned before started to catch up to me that feeling started to catchup to me and you. I started to realise despite everythign you accepted who I was but that was jsut it. Who I was you loved me for I who I was surprisinmgly and took me a while to believe it but its true you did love me for who I was. And as the the clock started ticking I slowly started to feel and even painfly slow started to realise I was drifting from you not because we were fighting nto because I didnt love you trust me no one else is giving me a boner when i wake up inthe moring so yea if you dont trust me trust ma dick excyuse my french but anyway nothingn for normal expected reasons liek that. But I started to realise for th first time it wasnt because who I was but who I was becoming a person I did nto even know yet like I meditate now, I take cold showers, sit in front of my computer, read books, listen to things that motivate, drink tea int the morniing ? PLay the ukele? honestly I do not know who this person is cause it wasnt me until a few months ago but it is me now and as I slowly sit in this coccon and try to figure out who I am i realised that clock never stopped clicking. I noticed it a while ago, probably even told Tyrone but I knew it was inevitable within myself but as usual ignored it that one day once I start to chase these dreams of my mine the visions I created in my wild imaginations that I would no longer be that person for you and dont get me wrong you love me I know that but I also know youre very bad at lying to yourself. I hope you realise its been slowly eating me from inside cause I was secretly in silence waiting for this day to come and idk if youre laughing but im being serious I was always waiting for this day to come where the person you were and the person I was and how we loved each other evolved into the person you are tody and the person you are today. Honestly writing this i realised you dont give yourself enough credit althoug helped by a little turtle in the last year youve foudn a new job, been in and out of the gym, talked to a therpaist, stopped self harming hopefulyl msg me right now and say tropical island and pinepaple sandwhich i stopped why tropical island dont asked. Im, slowly losing my mind writing this btw but it is what it is Im gonna try finish this soon. I hope you know that if you think convincing yourself its okay and living with it is the best option for both of us and itll be easier on me thats the option that scares me the most thats the option that brings me the msot paint cuase that opiton means that its not longer about us adn its ahout me. Now before you say anything take a long hard think about what I am saying cause i took me a long time to even get here a lot of selfish thoughts and a lot of angry thoughts but at the end the day as is important. Dont be okay with it if its not okay cause then I am no different ot your famiyl and if you think thats all I deserve you're disrespecting me. I want you to come to a decsion whree youre happy with it truly and I will support you 100% even if it hursts cause even if oyu forget i never will cits US AGAINST THIS MOTHER FING WORLD and it cant be us if im trying to do it by myself. I know you're going through your own things but liek im saying you dont have to do it alone even if i cant i will make time i promise you its hard if you want me to help you when you havent made the steps to help yourself.and if you need help with that even make that clear and i will help. but oyu need to be hojenst with yourself. You are your first priority I know the Woman you can become and this is no bullshit my beautful slim thick strong af confident queen is there somewhere and I know it even if it is just me I know it deep down inside i know you do too your just scared to acknowlewdge its true and its easier for ygou to say you cant do this because everyone esle told you you cant. But im telling you as the only person that really knows you the good the bad adn the ugly you can. and if you cant hear me you wont hear anyone else and youre gonna keep drowing in your own noise. I know you dont know where to start but how do you think i feel that the last three times we've had this conversatiom you tell me this and then the next day its liek we never had that conversation. you dont have to start with something you jsut have to start its not somethign babe its you as dumb as it sounds it literally starts with okay gonna go slep early, okay gonna go on a walk today,okay gonna read today, okay feeling good after readiung i might evenstudy yada yada this might all seem stupid toy ou but everytime we have these converstation like i said the clock keep ticking in my head because if im gonna be honest it onyl ends one way. with either me dimming it down going back to being a caterpillar and dim myself so we can go back to hwo it used ot be and sometimes i think to myself i would love that more than anything but experiencing hte things i have no i hope you know thsoe little flickers mean nothing to me comapred to seeing a reality where my parents have a house, they dont have worry about biills, I can help people truly help people that need help somehow however i can and make a differnce in this stupid world and lastly but most importnatly the reality where im surrounded my family again and this time i ownt let it go the reality where i get to marry you, we have our matte black coloured house or even if we struck out and were livig in a tree i dont care as long as youre there adn our kids and we stick by each other and i know thatll never happen if i and to say this in the dumbest way possibnle go back into a caterpilalr.and in the some token it wont happen if you keep accepting life for as it is insteadof making your life accept you. It probbaly sounds liek im saying the same thing over and over but im just trying to show you you have power your not that littl weak thing you make out to be i mean look you have power over me you made me a teenage adult write oyu a freaking book now just thiunk of me but a bigger liek your whoel life your decsion matter so start deciding things for yourself nto cause its easeir and not for osmeone else. If you asked me what to do a yaer ago i ll be honest i would go bavk to how i was cause it ouwld be easier but now nows alittle different you are my priority but i think ive slowly crepped up right there next to you. so even though you wouldnt or i hope you woudlnt if you were to ask me now compared to a year ago to choose between you and the life that im chasing im not sure what i woudl chooose anymore.So please dont make me choose cause its not a life that i want to lead as dramtic as my ass is I dont wanna live this life around you. And to make it worse i told you its probbaly gonna get owrse even i keep goign ill only get busier but im asking you and i know its selfish but tough it out with me not for me and i stress tough it with me cause even if you dont realise if i dont talk to you for mroe than 48 hours my brain feels as shit as yours i just do a better job of hiding it but make no mistake its there. Ill try my best to eget more organised and make time for you but thats a skill im still learnign although nto freat at im learnign just like were learnign to communicate so please communicate with me tell me when im doing things and ill start listenign properly from now on. Im not aksing yoy to become a multi millionarie i dont want that from you unless you do which is news to me but i do wabt you to stop selling yourself short do things porperly startr thinking baout your future, start confronting your past, start confronting your mind because in no way a compliment id say its almsot as bad as mine i would like to think mines a little worse still but youre catching up to me so im gonna do everything in ym power to stop me. help me kepe that smile on your face ccauese i cant do it on my own. THe reason im writitn gthis stupid merry go round leter is because i wanna believe in you i wanna say fuck the clock cause even the clock stillt there ticking and will porbably always will be i want to believe that youll stick by me as selfish as that it is i would like to belive youll stick by me till the day we die and that fo rbetter and for worse one day ill get ot marry you and love you for not jsut the woman you are now but woman i know you can become. Im not asking you to tunr your life around in 1 day it can take oyu 3 yaers i dont care i promise you pienapple sandwich wallah all my heart i just want oyu to start cause then i can stick around and nag you till you finish it cause trust me im a master at the art of nagginmy mums a good teacher. im nto asking you to be perfect everyday but just the tinest bit better than the day before. I promise you one day if you stick by me cause ill stick by you it wont be me and u aginst the world anymore itll be ThHE world AGINST US which is essentially the same thing but i m trying ot make it dramtic you feel. might as well start writing my weddingf vows now ? idk but it still stands make the decisiont thats write for oyu if you wanna kepe fighting on it ill fight with you all day till the day i day, if oyu wanna take some time off ill stay ehre waiting but never never accept things and live with it cause thats far from the woman youll be one day and woman ill marry so dont ever say to me its fine i guess ill deal with it. we both do that too often we need start talkign to each otehr for fucks sake i dont wanna write one of these big ass letters again trust me if you you give me your 100% ill give you my 110% and if you give me 120% ill give you 140% and why is everything a competition you may
